Tonight I've been left home another night, while my husband dutifully works late into the evening. Sometimes I worry he's burning his wick at both ends, only frustrating himself and alienating his dreams of school psychology even further. His work is so often draining, yet redeemingly fulfilling at the same time. So many of the youth he manages have dealt with and seen tragedies not often imagined to be a part of life. The extremity of their situations is sobering. Children being 'sold' for the night by their drug-addicted mother needing a fix. Another, physically abused young man who ran away from home at an early age, so early that he lived on the streets for 2 years before coming to Heritage. At the age of 12. I don't wonder why my dear husband wrestles with so many demons and stresses from work. I admire his strength, endurance and dedication to bettering these boys, giving them self-worth, empowering them to change their course in life.
I'm overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings tonight. I was reading a blog I stumbled upon and the raw sincerity of the author, an expectant father, immediately turned my silent tears into heaving sobs. I only hope one day I'm able to have the same excitement and expectations of being a parent, holding a life in my hands, being the caretaker of another soul. Ryan will be a wonderful dad, something I've seen over and over in his interactions with my youngest brothers-in-law and our adorable niece and nephew. I worry that I'm too impatient, too high-strung, too overbearing.
Often I'll lie in bed, day dream at work, wait for a red light to turn green, and different scenarios play out in my mind. Never happy, always tragic. Does this mean I am a pessimist? No. But I think I imagine the worst that can/will happen, and think of my reaction. How will I carry on if something happens to my sweet husband, or if I get into a car accident, or one of my sisters. A few years ago, my mom was struggling and mentioned she was depressed to the point of no return. There's always a return. As she was talking to me on the phone I tried to hide my fear. Thinking of losing my mom (for as often as I criticize or swear I won't be like her) is enough to prompt red eyes and mascara running. The light turns green, or my desk phone rings, or my husband calls, saying he's on his way home, and all is well. Why do I do this to myself?
It makes me thankful for all the blessings I have in my life. I have a wonderful husband, who, bless his heart, is still learning how to put up with my mood swings but drives all the way to my office to give me a hug because I've called him saying I need one. We need more of him in the world.
I probably should do some sort of holiday update, but really, it was quiet. In-laws (mine) went to Disneyland. Parents were in AZ with the rest of the family. Ryan worked Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I lounged around in my red-with-white-snowflake pajamas and watched far too many episodes of Designed to Sell and Flip That House. I looked forward to heading back to the office for the 8 (okay, really it's closer to 8:20) to 5 job.
Now that it's gone, I wonder where the time went. Ryan and I have been married for the better part of a year now. I still like looking at Martha Stewart Wedding and now I guess I can plan for sisters, sisters-in-law, and daughters in time. It will be here before I know it...